Guidelines to take a woman to bed (A)

Disclaimer: The write up below does not claim to be the only way or a sure shot way of taking a woman to bed. It only happens to be the method that works for one of my friends. The user is free to try it out at his own risk and if his conscience permits him to follow this course. The author or his friend wouldn’t be responsible if the reader runs into any trouble on following the guidelines. We also wouldn’t help him solve any moral dilemmas arising on account of it or otherwise.

Q. Who should be the target?
A. To be technically correct the aim should be to find a married woman rather than a girl. Reason being that a girl due to social upbringing is more likely to persuade you to marry her after such a steamy affair. It might be clear to both the parties that it were only their hormones that brought them together. But how much ever incompatible you two might be the girl would be keen about getting married. On the other hand, a married woman, again due to social pressure, is less likely to leave her family and decide to move with you. Of course, if you are much more financially secure than her husband the case could be different. Nothing against the woman since she is only following the theory of evolution and would never mind for a better mate.

Q. Where to find such a woman?
A. Well, this is a tricky question. Personally I feel they are everywhere but I am yet to find one J. It all depends on how persistent and patient you are. The desire to mate is as strong as the desire to live. After all how would a species survive without reproduction? Love, bonding etc are the terms coined by humans to justify this basic desire; it only makes them feel different (superior) than animals. Coming back to the point, my friend usually finds such women online, in chat rooms. You have to be real patient since the ratio of men to women is alarmingly high.

Q. Once you find such a woman online, what next?
A. A woman wouldn’t directly tell you what she wants and wouldn’t even like it if you tell her the same in plain words. Things should go around the central idea of mating for some time and then you are expected to commit the mistake (it should seem that she never wanted it but you made it happen). The only difference between this and romantic love is that in romantic love you are truly unaware that your hormones are playing a trick on you. Here things should happen in a subtle manner even though it’s clear what the ultimate aim is. The woman would always try to keep herself in a position such that a third person would feel that the woman was always correct on all grounds. Typically, the woman would make you feel that emotional support is all that she is looking for. You should make her feel that you believe her and act as if you are walking into her trap. Then you start making advances that she too wants you to make. However, you would get some superficial resistance since she wants to create an illusion for herself and others that she never wanted it. Finally, if you are successful then remember that you have only satisfied each other’s needs and hence there shouldn’t be any regrets.

Agreed that the above discussion is too brief and completely lacks details required for such an affair to actually happen. But it is more intended to provide insights into the way people normally think. The exact steps of ‘how to’ have to be invented by the interested people keeping the above guidelines in mind.

I am sure people would be interested in adding to the above guidelines. Interested people can do so in form of comments to this blog.

(written - 30th May' 06)

Rise of the Machines

Humans have classified things as living and non-living and what not. However, a more apt classification would have been what is useful to them and what is not. That's how the humans actually subconsciously tend to classify things. At least their behaviour is consistent when things are classified in such a manner. They tend to respect things that are important (read as of use) to them or are more powerful than themselves and tend to disdain things that are meek or not of any apparent use to them.
Let me explain. I am a non living thing as per their classification but my being non living does not in any way determine their behaviour towards me. What really governs is how dispensable or indispensable I am. However, let me not crib about human behaviour here. Let me get on with what I wanted to talk about.
It was 1st of May. I was sleeping peacefully in my parking slot. Since it was 'Labour's day' I was expecting that I would loiter there the whole day without having to worry about running here and there carrying my owner (Aditya) on my back.
I was in the middle of a pleasant dream - I was parked in a garden and then the other moment a cute Scooty Pep' was parked beside me. Initially, I was stealing quick glances at her and she too once in a while shyly looked back at me. I managed to move close enough to her so that my hand(le) touched hers. And then she started caressing my head(light) with her hand. Just then I realised that her hands felt more like a cloth. I woke up to find that a dirty cloth was in fact being moved over my head. Aditya was doing that. The cloth was so dirty that at times I wondered what was getting cleaned.
When I am pampered like this, I know what's coming next. I have to carry Aditya somewhere. Wonder where he wanted to go at 6 in the morning. Was my dream going to come true? Was I going to a garden somewhere to meet the Pep of my dreams? In anticipation of meeting Pep I agreed to work even on 'Labour's Day'. Aditya had his friend (Meghanand) along. From the look of it, it seemed they were heading for some trip. They had caps on and were carrying a bag too. I was feeling too sleepy to ask what was the plan and decided just to follow their orders.
I drove them to Sasken office where they parked me outside the office gates and went in probably to get some cash from the ATM inside. While I was waiting outside, a Pulsar and Unicorn drove in. They told me that we were going taking these people to a place called 'Nandi Hills'. It was about 60 km from Bangalore, on the NH-7 (Bangalore-Hyderabad route). So here we were to satiate these people's whims at the cost of our basic needs like a morning's sleep.
Pulsar was supposed to drive Vins and Jibo while Unicorn carried Baldev and Vijay. The road that we followed was quite a straight forward one. From Sasken (Domlur) we went to Trinity Circle and then took the Cubbon Road that took us to Hebbal flyover via Mekhri Circle. From Hebbal flyover we took the NH-7 and just after Devenahalli we took a left followed by another left and then a right. A small ghat took us all the way up to the Nandi Hills.
There were quite a few vehicles on the road even at that time. To some extent this alleviated our sorrow to know that we were not the only ones who were working that day. Most of the times emotions like joy and sorrow are so relative. The NH-7 was quite good at least till Devenahalli. For most part of the journey I was racing at about 80 kmph. Unlike humans we weren't competing with each other but we rather believed in going together. This made the journey more enjoyable and less stressful.
While running I did look around once in a while to admire the beauty around. The view around got better after we took a left off NH-7. Vast plains on either side of the road and the Nandi Hills growing in size as it inched towards us was a great sight. At a few places the Eucalyptus trees formed a canopy to prevent people from getting discouraged from the scorching sun.
As the ghat started it became difficult for us to maintain our speed. We even stopped occasionally to rest. While we rested these people took snaps. Bur never did they think about taking our snaps. Anyways, you shouldn't expect much from humans. In fact their apparently selfless acts are either aberrations or you fail to see the motive behind it.
We were wearily moving up the ghats when we saw a Pep moving ahead of us. Suddenly there was a surge of energy in all of us. Our engines roared and we zoomed past the Pep in a bid to show our strengths. We then stopped a little distance ahead to see what Pep felt about us. But she passed quietly pretending that she didn't even notice us. However, we knew that our display of power wouldn't have gone unnoticed. This time we decided to quietly follow behind her and watch her 'Pep-walk'.
When we reached the top, we felt that Nandi Hills had grown short. The road ended so quickly, we wanted more of 'pep-walk'. But now was the golden opportunity. It was parking time and I had a chance to make my dream come true. Unfortunately Pep stood in one of the corners leaving just one slot beside her vacant. We were three of us and naturally there was a tussle amongst us for that vacant spot. While we were fighting it out a Bullet came in thundering and occupied the empty spot. He looked so muscular that we didn't dare to raise our voices in protest.
We had to be content with standing at some or the other available spots. We did choose places from where we could get a glimpse of Pep. We wished she would understand that muscles are not everything, having a good heart was also an invaluable asset. And we believed that we all possessed a good heart. If not Pulsar and Unicorn at least I had one. But Pep seemed to be too impressed with Bullet's muscles.
In the mean while these humans had gone around to see the place. I am sure they would have seen Tipu's drop, children's park, Tipu's rest room (place where Tipu rested during the summers) and a temple. In humans it's conventional to worship things that they have never seen before and find faults with fellow humans who try to make a difference.
These people returned in a couple of hours. During that time we helplessly witnessed the love between Bullet and Pep grow. However, now we didn't really feel bad about it. After all how could you live with a person who doesn't care about a good heart but is crazy just about muscles? We felt that Pep didn't deserve either of us. We left Nandi Hills hoping that someday we would find a person who would understand and accept us as we were. But at the same time we failed to see a Luna standing somewhere in that parking lot and possibly thinking the same about us. Anyways, that's life!

PS: Myself – Victor, advertised by the 'real God' himself.

(written - 5th May' 06)